In my rational mind I know that taking Robby wasn't punishment. I know that you wouldn't cut short his life to punish me or my mom or my dad. But my mind and my heart aren't always rational. I struggle staying on the course you want me to be on. I struggle with emotions that I don't want to have.
I struggle with doubt in my heart. I hate it. I hate feeling doubt creep into my mind. I know that it is the devil using my thoughts to take me away from you, but I wonder if it makes you angry. Do you get angry with me when I think of doubting you? I can't help it sometimes. On my hardest days it's so easy to feel like you have left me. It's easy to feel like you were never here with me at all. It's easy too think that a God who loves us wouldn't put us through pain, so there must be no God at all. I hate these thoughts. I feel guilty and terrible.
I think of Robby's time in the hospital. I cried the entire time I was there. I prayed. I begged you. I bargained with you. I spent hours on my knees in the hospital chapel and you didn't answer my prayer. Was my faith not enough? Was I not humble enough? Was I not strong enough to deserve my biggest most important prayer be answered? I wonder all of the time, God. I wonder if it was me. I doubt my faith sometimes. I wonder what makes the faith of other people better. More worthy of an answered prayer.
Sometimes I comfort myself. I say that Robby must have been praying too. Maybe he saw Heaven. Maybe he decided he would rather be there with you. Maybe you chose his prayers over mine. If you did that, I wouldn't be angry. Maybe you were sparing him more pain. The doctors told us that he would suffer. They told us he wouldn't have his legs if he ever came back. I know he wouldn't have wanted that.
I struggle when I see bad people. People who I judge. I know I'm not supposed to, but my human heart struggles. I judge people who I think are worse than I am and worse than my family. People who I don't think deserve to have the families they have. People who take them for granted. Why didn't you take their families away? Why do they get to live? Then I feel guilty for taking Robby for granted. I know I'm no better than the worst people on this earth. My evil judgement makes me just as bad. I know that only you can judge us, but I struggle just the same. I'm sorry, God. I want you to clean my heart and mind of these feelings. I want you to take away my resentment and jealousy.
I struggle with heartbreak when I see other families who are good people. I hate to see them go through what we go through. It's a club that none of us want to be a part of. I wish you wouldn't take from us, God. I wish you wouldn't take the young. I wish that you would heal all the sickness and suffering. I don't know everything you know. I know that I'm not supposed to. I know I'm not supposed to question you, God, but I can't always control my thoughts. Help me, God. Help me in my faith. help me trust you and trust your plan for us all.
I love you, I know that I do. I know that through Jesus Christ I will see Robby again. I will see my parents be whole again in Heaven. I wish it was now. Sometimes I wish you would have taken all of us.
I love you, God. I know that you know what is best. I know that my thoughts aren't always right, but I do ultimately believe in you and your love. I know that my faith is not perfect, but I know your grace. I know that you can forgive me of my heart's struggles.
Please forgive me, Lord. Help me when my mind and heart are weakest. Help me keep my eyes fixed on you and on Heaven. This is my biggest and most important prayer now.
Love always,
Natalie
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