Christmas Past, Present, and Future.

There are seven stages of grief: disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and acceptance/hope.

Disbelief, Denial, and Distance.

Last Christmas was my and Brian's first Christmas together as husband and wife. It was also my first Christmas without Robby. He had passed away early in September. I was heavily still in the stages of disbelief and denial. 

I was still excited about Christmas. There was snow (we lived in northeast Kansas then). We bought our first Christmas tree and I decorated our sweet little third floor apartment before it was even Thanksgiving. Brian and I watched Christmas movies and went ice skating and ate endless amounts of peppermint ice cream and sugar cookies. The Christmas spirit was in full swing. 

I was ten hours away from East Texas and my parents. Ten hours away from where Robby would have been. It was easy to compartmentalize the different parts of myself: new wife, grieving sister. 

Home: No Rent, No Retreat.

This year we moved in with my parents in Texas to help us save money for a down payment on a house. They're so generous for helping us in this way and putting up with us. But there's no escaping for me here. No private retreat. I'm in my parents house and my brother isn't. 

Guilty 

It's in my face everyday that my parents are sad. How can I be happy when I feel so guilty? The lack of Robby's presence in our house where he belongs is horrible. I have my laundry hamper in what should be his bedroom and feel the most horrible guilt over it. I see gifts under the tree for me, but none for him. I shop for others, but not for him. The guilt hurts. I feel guilty for not getting him a gift for his last Christmas. I was a broke college student. That was a sorry excuse and the price of it is guilt. Everywhere there is guilt in my parents house. There is no escape. There is no way to compartmentalize. 

This Christmas I haven't really been in a festive mood. My mom put up her tree and my dad put up the lights. My mom said she didn't want Robby to see that his house was the only house that was dark. We keep the tree lit for him. It's a comforting sight and I know he would love it. He always loved Christmas. 

Luckily the reason for the season isn't in the trees, the gifts, the ice skating, or the cookies. Because of Christ, I will see my brother again. That is where I find comfort and for that I can always give thanks. 

Merry Christmas

Knocking Down the Door

I wrote earlier this week that I don't believe that our loved ones visit us in our dreams.

After I made the post a former college professor of mine sent me the following message:

"hi, natalie. i hope you and your family are doing well. first off, i want to apologize if this message is difficult or hurts you in any way...i debated with myself and consulted with a few close friends about whether or not i should write it and send it, and everyone told me that i should, because if they were in your shoes, they would want to know. so if i made the wrong decision, please feel free to block me and never speak to me again. i will understand.

so, a few nights ago i had a dream and you and your family were in it! i was back in manhattan and i was meeting a friend for dinner at a restaurant (don't know which one it was), and i was walking toward the back of the restaurant and i walked past you and your family sitting at a table to my right--you and your brother were sitting on one side, and your parents were sitting across from the two of you. i said hi to you, and you said hi back to me, and you introduced me to your family (since, of course, i've only seen them in facebook photos that pop up in my newsfeed occasionally!). i said, "oh, but i thought robby was...?" you patted his hand and said, "he is. he just came back for a little while to let us know he's okay." and then i woke up.

like i said, i debated about whether or not i should message you, because how creepy is this, and old college teacher messaging you out of nowhere to say she had a dream about your family? i get how nuts that is. and at first i decided not to say anything to you, but when i saw your beautiful blog post about your thoughts about robby and dreams, i got the chills and i felt like i had to say something to you. again, no hard feelings whatsoever if you decide i am nuts and want to delete and block me. all my love to you and your parents. i can't begin to fathom your pain and grief, but you guys are frequently in my prayers."

I'm sharing this simply because I can't wrap my head around how odd this is. Not in a way that I am creeped out, but in way that I wonder if maybe this Robby's way of trying to reach out to me?

My mom has told me before that I might not receive the messages I want from Robby because I keep my heart closed. I am a believer in God, but I'm also pig headed and a very concrete thinker. I would love to be wrong about what I said about not believing in dreams from our loved ones. It's hard to think of a reason why she would have this particular dream right before I made a decision not to believe in Robby.

I cried reading what she wrote. I'm so incredibly wowed by the message I received from her. She was a great professor and I respect her greatly, but we aren't particularly close. It seems that maybe God found someone who I would realize had no ulterior motive and who wouldn't just have Robby on the subconscious (which is what I attributed my dreams to).

It seems that sometimes God doesn't knock on the door so much as he does knock down the door.

All I can say is that I am just floored. Feeling like I might be wrong hasn't ever felt so good.

Dreaming

My mom tells me that she dreams of Robby. That she dreams that he comes to visit her and that he talks to her. She has really nice and pleasant dreams. It makes me really jealous. 

Last night I dreamt of Robby.

I dreamt that his bedroom was adjacent to mine. In my dream he and my mom share a bedroom that has a door directly to mine and I am worried that they will hear me coming in late. I can't go through the door that I know has my mom and my brother behind it. It doesn't open for me.

I was in that kind of dreaming when you're still slightly awake and you know that what you're dreaming isn't entirely reasonable. I start thinking: "Okay, where is Robby's room? I know that it doesn't have a door right off of mine, that's not how it's ever been."

 I begin to go from room to room in my parents house. I go through every door and can't find his room. I even go into the room where we keep his stuff; his bedroom furniture, golf clubs, and clothes. In my dream I stare at his stuff, but I can't picture him there. In my dream this is not where Robby belongs. I can't find his room and I can't go through the door that leads to the room where he and my mom are. That room is not for me.

A side note:Robby has never actually lived in my parents' current house. He was supposed to move there with them the weekend he left us. I'm not sure if that might have anything to do with my not being able to find his room.

Right after Robby passed away I dreamt constantly that he was a missing child. Every night I dreamt that I would post flyers. I was constantly knocking on doors in endless neighborhoods in the desert asking if anyone had seen him. I dreamt that I was in car chases after people who knew where he was.

I am camping in another dream I have. I am in my tent and the moon is big and huge. I can see Robby sitting on a chair far far away, but I can't get out of my tent. I can only stare at him and he never looks at me.

It seems that I'm always looking for him in my dreams. I'm always knocking on doors. I'm always too far away from him. He's always missing.

The worst part about these dreams is that I forget that he's gone.

I wake up and I try to make sense of the dreams and then the more I wake up I slowly come to realize that he is not just missing, but that he is missing from me and from our world. It hurts to realize this fact. It hurts to lie in bed feeling so alone and with a sadness that feels so awful and fresh. Most days feel like it's been a million days since I last saw him, but after these dreams I feel just like I did the first night without him.

I don't believe that those who are gone visit us.

My mom says that I should, but I really just don't think I do. I've had one pleasant dream where Robby just came to sit on my bed and talk. It didn't last long and it was really nice. I think my mind was giving me a nice break, but mostly I think my mind is still confused about where he is. I was away at school for the last four years and I missed out on a lot. Robby and I would text and we would share pictures, but he was not a constant physical presence for me. I feel like my mind has misplaced Robby. I fall into a false sense of security that even though I haven't seen him, he can be found again. I know that someday I'll see him again, but I don't think that the deepest parts of my mind really understand that I won't see him here again.

I love and miss him so much. In my heart, in my mind, and in my bones I feel sad all of the time. But I'm thankful for everyday that I can get up and be happy too. God still hasn't forgotten me and I know that Robby hasn't either. I'll see him again someday, but there won't be any doors or distance.