Last night I dreamt of Robby.
I dreamt that his bedroom was adjacent to mine. In my dream he and my mom share a bedroom that has a door directly to mine and I am worried that they will hear me coming in late. I can't go through the door that I know has my mom and my brother behind it. It doesn't open for me.
I was in that kind of dreaming when you're still slightly awake and you know that what you're dreaming isn't entirely reasonable. I start thinking: "Okay, where is Robby's room? I know that it doesn't have a door right off of mine, that's not how it's ever been."
I begin to go from room to room in my parents house. I go through every door and can't find his room. I even go into the room where we keep his stuff; his bedroom furniture, golf clubs, and clothes. In my dream I stare at his stuff, but I can't picture him there. In my dream this is not where Robby belongs. I can't find his room and I can't go through the door that leads to the room where he and my mom are. That room is not for me.
I dreamt that his bedroom was adjacent to mine. In my dream he and my mom share a bedroom that has a door directly to mine and I am worried that they will hear me coming in late. I can't go through the door that I know has my mom and my brother behind it. It doesn't open for me.
I was in that kind of dreaming when you're still slightly awake and you know that what you're dreaming isn't entirely reasonable. I start thinking: "Okay, where is Robby's room? I know that it doesn't have a door right off of mine, that's not how it's ever been."
I begin to go from room to room in my parents house. I go through every door and can't find his room. I even go into the room where we keep his stuff; his bedroom furniture, golf clubs, and clothes. In my dream I stare at his stuff, but I can't picture him there. In my dream this is not where Robby belongs. I can't find his room and I can't go through the door that leads to the room where he and my mom are. That room is not for me.
A side note:Robby has never actually lived in my parents' current house. He was supposed to move there with them the weekend he left us. I'm not sure if that might have anything to do with my not being able to find his room.
Right after Robby passed away I dreamt constantly that he was a missing child. Every night I dreamt that I would post flyers. I was constantly knocking on doors in endless neighborhoods in the desert asking if anyone had seen him. I dreamt that I was in car chases after people who knew where he was.
I am camping in another dream I have. I am in my tent and the moon is big and huge. I can see Robby sitting on a chair far far away, but I can't get out of my tent. I can only stare at him and he never looks at me.
It seems that I'm always looking for him in my dreams. I'm always knocking on doors. I'm always too far away from him. He's always missing.
The worst part about these dreams is that I forget that he's gone.
I wake up and I try to make sense of the dreams and then the more I wake up I slowly come to realize that he is not just missing, but that he is missing from me and from our world. It hurts to realize this fact. It hurts to lie in bed feeling so alone and with a sadness that feels so awful and fresh. Most days feel like it's been a million days since I last saw him, but after these dreams I feel just like I did the first night without him.
I don't believe that those who are gone visit us.
My mom says that I should, but I really just don't think I do. I've had one pleasant dream where Robby just came to sit on my bed and talk. It didn't last long and it was really nice. I think my mind was giving me a nice break, but mostly I think my mind is still confused about where he is. I was away at school for the last four years and I missed out on a lot. Robby and I would text and we would share pictures, but he was not a constant physical presence for me. I feel like my mind has misplaced Robby. I fall into a false sense of security that even though I haven't seen him, he can be found again. I know that someday I'll see him again, but I don't think that the deepest parts of my mind really understand that I won't see him here again.
I love and miss him so much. In my heart, in my mind, and in my bones I feel sad all of the time. But I'm thankful for everyday that I can get up and be happy too. God still hasn't forgotten me and I know that Robby hasn't either. I'll see him again someday, but there won't be any doors or distance.
I wake up and I try to make sense of the dreams and then the more I wake up I slowly come to realize that he is not just missing, but that he is missing from me and from our world. It hurts to realize this fact. It hurts to lie in bed feeling so alone and with a sadness that feels so awful and fresh. Most days feel like it's been a million days since I last saw him, but after these dreams I feel just like I did the first night without him.
I don't believe that those who are gone visit us.
My mom says that I should, but I really just don't think I do. I've had one pleasant dream where Robby just came to sit on my bed and talk. It didn't last long and it was really nice. I think my mind was giving me a nice break, but mostly I think my mind is still confused about where he is. I was away at school for the last four years and I missed out on a lot. Robby and I would text and we would share pictures, but he was not a constant physical presence for me. I feel like my mind has misplaced Robby. I fall into a false sense of security that even though I haven't seen him, he can be found again. I know that someday I'll see him again, but I don't think that the deepest parts of my mind really understand that I won't see him here again.
I love and miss him so much. In my heart, in my mind, and in my bones I feel sad all of the time. But I'm thankful for everyday that I can get up and be happy too. God still hasn't forgotten me and I know that Robby hasn't either. I'll see him again someday, but there won't be any doors or distance.
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